so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
