I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
