why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
