just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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