he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
