And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
