ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
