I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
