1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
