I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
