hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
