If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
