I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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