i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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