i just google imaged poop.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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