I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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