We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
