Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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