I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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