my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
its liver damage thursday
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
