And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
