I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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