My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
