I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
