and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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