Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
