Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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