god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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