they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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