Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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