i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
