do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
