I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
