I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my sisters under your porch take her home
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
