sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
