soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The uberlube is also flammable
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
