how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
