I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
