see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
