you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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