I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
