So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
