I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
