at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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