Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
