last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
