tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
