Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
