Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
