he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
